Saying No Is Harder Than It Should Be

It’s a tiny word. Two letters! And somehow it can be the hardest thing we say all week.

Not to a stranger. To the people who ask us for things. A ride, a favor, a weekend, a whole afternoon we didn’t have. Our mouth says yes before the rest of us gets a vote.

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So what happened to the word? I think back to a thing girls hear growing up, at least around here: “be sweet.” At some point, sweet slowly turned into yes. A yes was what love sounded like, a no was what difficult sounded like, and we had that figured out before we had words for it.

The three lists

The yes that comes out of our mouths:

• Of course I can cover for you Thursday.
• Sure, send it over, I’ll look at it tonight.
• Yes, I’ll host, it’s no trouble at all.

The no we rehearse in the car:

• Oh gosh, I would, but my week is a mess, let me tell you about it.
• I wish I could, I really do, it’s just, well, let me give you four reasons.
• Could I do half? Would half help? Sorry.

The no that would have done fine:

• No.
• No, thank you.
• I can’t this time.

Would you look at that! Those last three are complete sentences. A no doesn’t need a story attached to it, or an apology, or a smaller yes tucked inside it so that everybody stays comfortable. It can be the word, and nothing else, and still be kind.

The apology text

The first few times, “be sweet” can show up again right on schedule. We’ll want to add the story. We want to text an apology ten minutes later. If you add the story anyway the first few times, welcome to the club, I’m in it too.

Most days the no itself isn’t the hard part. What costs us is the second of quiet after it, when we wait to find out whether we just lost someone. Did we? Sometimes they’re fine. Sometimes they’re not, and that tells you something too, about them more than about you.

A no is a boundary. The guilt that follows a no gets quieter with every one we hold.

If you’d like to try it, start small, with someone safe to practice on. Someone wants ten minutes, or a ride, or an opinion you don’t have the energy to give. Say the short no and then say nothing else…no story, no sorry. Then let the silence sit there. That’s okay, even if it feels awkward.

You get a vote

Does anyone become a person who can say no in a week? Probably not, and that’s okay. We can become one no at a time, clumsily, then less clumsily, and most of those nos are the truth about what we can carry, said out loud.

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The page about how I work says a little more about boundaries you can actually keep. And I’m happy to be the first person you practice the short no on. When you’re ready, request a time or write to me.

Sweet can stay, if you want it. It just doesn’t get the only vote anymore.

On solid ground,

Acelli