The Voice That Sounds Like It’s on Your Side

Some of the meanest things we hear all week are probably said in our own voice, quietly, while we’re brushing our teeth. Things like “you’ll mess this up” and “they were only being polite” and “don’t bother”, said flat, to the mirror. No one else heard them, and no one argued back.

That voice has a favorite move. It sounds like it is protecting you. “Don’t bring it up, you’ll only make it awkward” feels like tact. Is it? It’s the same voice that called you stupid in the car. It’s just being nicer about it.

Whose voice is it

Whose voice is it, then? Mostly it isn’t yours. It’s usually a mix of other people. A teacher from the fourth grade, a parent on a bad day, a boyfriend who liked you smaller. It’s been in your head so long that it sounds just like you. And a voice that sounds like ours is easier to believe.

But easier to believe doesn’t make it right. Nothing is wrong with you.

The friend test

Say its sentence about a friend instead. “She’ll mess this up,” you would have to say, or “they were only being polite to her,” or “she shouldn’t bother.” Would you say that to her? Of course not! You’d be furious on her behalf. That is the test. If you wouldn’t say it about her, it isn’t fair to say it about you either.

The voice’s favorite subject is usually what we’re worth. There is a post on that. If what keeps you up at midnight is more worry than critic, there is a post on giving worry an appointment.

Says who

One thing to try, if you want one! Next time the voice starts, add two words to the end of its sentence. “You’ll mess this up.” Says who? Then listen to how long it takes to answer. It may take a while.

The voice isn’t used to being asked for its sources. The sources, when they turn up, are often a short list, and a familiar one. If it answers with a name, that is useful information. If it answers with nothing at all, that is useful too.

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Does it ever go quiet for good? Nope. Everybody has one, me included. It can learn to wait its turn.

More about me is a click away, if you want to know whose voice is on the other end. When you’re ready, request a time or write to me.

On solid ground,

Acelli