Getting Through It Isn’t the Same as Being Okay

You got through it. The thing happened, you did what you had to do, and you’re still here. That’s huge, and it counts.

So why do we get to the other side of a hard thing and still feel awful? Why doesn’t “it’s over” feel over? And why does it sometimes feel like nothing at all, right when we are supposed to be relieved? If I got through it, shouldn’t I be okay by now?

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Honestly? Getting through something and being okay are two different things. Getting through it is coping. Being okay is healing. If you’re not there yet, that’s okay. This is where it starts. If you are still in the middle of it right now, this is for you too…there’s a part a little way down, written for the hard nights.

Chin up

I think back to what people say when something hard happens to us. Maybe it was “chin up.” Maybe it was “it could be worse,” or the one about being tough and bouncing back. We heard those so many times that getting through it started to look like the whole job. Gold stars all around!

The week after

Take the week after the hard thing. You are up before the alarm and you answer every text. You say “I’m fine, really” so many times that you almost believe it, and you do not cry until the car.

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We call that coping. It has a hundred shapes. Plenty of them pass for having it all together…the calendar with no white space on it…the midnight shopping for things nobody needs…the second glass that somehow turned into the fourth. For a while, those things are just how we get through.

If tonight is the hard kind

Some of the ways we get through hurt us. If you have ever hurt yourself on purpose to make it through a bad night, I want you to have this now. Call or text 988. That’s the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: a trained counselor answers, it’s free, it’s open all day and all night, and if you text, any message starts it.

If you’re in danger right now, or it’s a medical emergency, call 911 instead. I’m not an emergency line, and I’d rather you had those two numbers than waited on me. They are on the contact page too, so you can always find them.

So which one am I in?

Good question. It isn’t a test, so there’s no failing it.

Maybe the thing is still happening. You are still in it, and it’s okay to still be in it. Maybe the thing is over and you are still waiting for the other shoe to drop, still getting through days that are technically fine. Or maybe it’s over and you are just…flat. Nothing left in the tank.

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All three are real. None of them means you’re behind. You don’t have to finish coping before you get to heal. It’s okay to want it at any point, right now included, even while you are still getting through it.

What healing asks for

Once the thing is over, or at least no longer happening to you every day, a different job can open up. That’s the one we call healing.

Healing is different from getting through. It asks you to look at the pain instead of stepping around it, and it goes better with somebody next to you, because the hard thing is easier to look at when you are not the only one in the room.

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Does looking at it mean sitting in it forever? Not even close. It means we get to understand what happened and what it cost us, and then decide what we’d want to be different. It’s slower than pushing through, but it’s a lot kinder, and it’s the part that can change things.

One small thing

Notice which one you’re in today. Say it out loud if nobody’s around…to the dog, to the steering wheel, to the shower. The steering wheel has heard worse! Today I’m getting through it. Or, today I’m past that and I am TIRED.

Either one is a true answer.

Getting by and getting better

Healing was never a way to prove you’re better now. It’s something you get to want after a long time of just getting by. You did what you were shown, for years. There is another way. The truth is, nothing is wrong with you.

Name the one you’re in, and let the rest wait until you want it.

If you’d rather not look at it alone, that is the work I do. When you’re ready, request a time or write to me.

On solid ground,

Acelli