You Can Listen Without Carrying It Home

The first time I cried in a session with someone I thought I was doing it all wrong. A therapist’s supposed to be the calm one in the room, right? The one with the tissues, not the one reaching for them. That day, I learned something I want every good listener to hear. Good listeners are the ones who end up carrying everybody’s bad night home with the groceries.

You can be all the way in the room with somebody’s hard thing and still not take it home in your purse.

Wet eyes and a clear head

Was the crying the mistake? No. The mistake would have been walking out of that room with their problem as my own. Their trouble got to stay theirs. My part was to stay in the room with it. Guess what! You can do that with wet eyes and a perfectly clear head.

---

You do a version of this for free, at nine at night, for a friend. Then you hang up, and the knot that was in her stomach an hour ago is sitting in yours. It’s a good knot to have once. It’s a hard one to keep.

Climate and weather

There’s a picture I use with clients that fits here. A mood is a climate. A feeling is just weather passing through it. Her bad night is weather. Can it blow through your kitchen without changing your climate? It can. You just have to remember whose weather it is.

That isn’t me being cold. Being there for the worst hour of her week is the whole point. Staying the night in it isn’t. It doesn’t help her one bit!

Less than a whole evening

Some nights you have less than a whole evening of listening in you, and some nights you have barely enough to get through the hello. You’re allowed to say so, before she starts. Is that unkind? It’s honest, which is what she called a friend for in the first place.

The heart that notices

The heart that notices is a good one. Keep it. What you can put down is the part where every room comes home with you. That part was learned, somewhere back there, and I can show you how it gets unlearned.

Listening is the part of this work I’m most comfortable in, so the knot is welcome here. When you’re ready, request a time or write to me.

On solid ground,

Acelli